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I never had any guy treat me like that. Look for our new site and ebook coming out between. And someone also mentioned that it would be difficult giving themselves to someone if they still had their profile on a dating site - and that is very true. We are renting and he already refused to move out. I thought it was great because he must have responsible after our convo. I said nothing, because minimizing still means he still gets to talk to them. That said, the other piece is the betrayal. However, there are times where we ourselves are paranoid… perhaps because of negative beliefs we have or prior bad experiences. In other caballeros making himself less available, not more available.
Is this guy bad news or should I just relax and be fine with the fact that he still logs on to match. This is thanks, in part, to your excellent comments and questions from the audience. As such, some of the comments which I have preserved bring up points that I have since addressed in this revision. Right off the top, you mentioned that you and he have agreed to be exclusive. How clear was his side of the agreement to being committed? Life is complicated and the heart wants what the heart wants. If this is a misunderstanding, explain it to me. You rarely see me do that. However, in this case, I feel that the conversation points I laid out above do more to instruct than even my explaining of my viewpoint would have… So in this first section, I wanted to walk through getting clear on how committed he really is in the first place. When both people really want a great relationship, the relationship feels effortless. People are so quick to snap up something half-hearted and then try to make that half-hearted relationship into something more. Only you can decide if what you learn convinces you to keep participating in the relationship or not. You will never, ever know what the other person is doing at all times. In this case, you know he goes on match. But since the beginning of time, men and women have had to learn to trust one another in their relationship. I can tell you from personal experience that this was a skill I needed to learn. In my past, there have been times when even though the relationship was good, my insecurity would eat away at me. A problem with suspicion and snooping is: the more you fear and suspect, the more that fear and suspicion eats away at you and creates more fears and suspicions! This creates a vicious cycle that destroys trust in the relationship and ultimately causes a problem where there was none. Trust is very hard. At this moment, you are reading into the situation negatively, assuming that he has bad motives or could be playing you. It might, it might not. We have great instincts for this sort of thing. However, there are times where we ourselves are paranoid… perhaps because of negative beliefs we have or prior bad experiences. Hope it helps, -eric charles I recently met someone on Match… We saw each othe twice and are planning to see each other again.. I then went on to say.. March 1, 2017, 4:08 pm Hey there — I looked back at this article, which I wrote awhile ago, and I agree it missed some key points. What I wrote needed context and was missing the first section which really, really needed to be there. So I agree with you guys, this needed improvement and I got around to it. As with everything, I write my opinions with the hope that it will help the readers be more effective in their love life… and when I feel something can be made better, I do it! We met online and things are moving In a more serious direction. He told me about 2 months in that he deleted his account. I logged on and saw that he was active. I think this is a breach of trust and I want to confront him gently. February 9, 2016, 11:02 pm Ive been thru this anf r currently going thru this. My initial reacton was hurt and i approached him so wrong. I dont think he has physically cheated me hut the fact that he does continue to be active on these websites for whatever reason has real taken a toll on me emotionally and ofcourse the trust that have for him. All this crap about it being ok anf find ouy first is straight crap. For me in aby relationship. I would hope and wish there would be a certain level of respect. And its all bad now. Unfortunately I think in this case Eric is giving women advise on how to give men exactly what they want, without the woman receiving what she wants. A lot of the time there are imbalances of power in relationships. I was dating a guy who I discovered had a secret dating profile. We were sleeping together, so when I found it I told him I thought it was a great idea — it means we can have an open relationship and I can date and sleep with other men, while continuing to sleep with him also. I thought it was hilarious!!!! The last part of your post, saying that if he is shopping around and potentially sleeping around , then you can too… yeah, I agree with that. November 14, 2015, 9:09 pm Absolutely agree with this post. However… this is an old article during a time where I would get really big questions and edit them down to be shorter in more recent years I generated my answers from more generalized questions and covered all the bases. February 29, 2016, 8:57 pm I met my boyfriend on a dating site. We have been together for a little over 6 months. I did find him under some bogus name. He ended up actually messaging a true friend and I took over. November 13, 2015, 5:57 pm Listen, trust is very important. Take it from me I learned the hard way. If he continues to check the dating site drop him and save yourself some pain down the road. There is no reason for him to be on this site. I knew of a guy who did the same thing. They met online were together 2 years and he was still checking his site. She did her own investigation and found out that he was talking to other women from everywhere sometimes he would tell them he had a girlfriend but it was ending or he would tell them he is single. Please listen to your instincts and there is nothing wrong for a man or woman to check out their perspective other not in this day and age. If he is trying this relationship with you ask him to delete his profile and you delete yours. The internet and social sites are very tempting to people. I have met an army man on an online dating site about 6 weeks ago, and we pretty much hit it off right from the beginning. We talked for hours and both expressed how comfortable we felt talking to each other about any topic that you can think of. He is stationed on a US Army Base about 2. After 3 weeks of talking he came to visit me for the weekend, and there was no nervous or uncomfortable feeling between us, just really had an amazing time. In general, he was never pushy or anything, but the opposite, and I got the impression of him as being a nice and honest guy. We talked a lot about what we want in life, our values and dreams, and they match almost 100%. I believed him and since we had such a great and easygoing time with each other, I just went with the flow. We saw each other again, two weeks afterwards, I went to visit him this time. He invited me to stay at his place and we again had a great time, very easygoing, no tension or uncomfortable feeling at all. I thought wow he really is an honest guy, what a catch! I was happy and I told him that and that I liked him a lot. He replied that he liked me a lot too. During that weekend we spent a lot of time walking around in the town where he lives, we had lunch and dinner in one of his favorite restaurants, and generally had a great time. He was right where I was with my opinion, so again — a match. After that weekend we texted each other every day and spoke about every other day, since we both have time consuming jobs. I was very worried because I knew that as an army soldier, deployment is always imminent. After work he did call me and told me that they are being deployed to Turkey for about 50-90 days. I was shocked and sad about it, of course, especially since we just had spent a great weekend together but only met twice so far. But I knew I had to be supportive and not dwell on my fears, so I did the best I could to cheer him up and not burden him with my worries. He kept me in the loop of events for the following days until he finally left for Turkey, and we spoke before he actually got on the plane. I knew it was going to be tough but hey, it was only for a few weeks, and we promised each other that everything would be fine, that he would be fine. Today he is gone the third day only, and when he arrived there he texted me that getting a wifi hotspot is problematic, but that he would figure it out. Yesterday night I somehow had a weird feeling and just out of curiosity I went and googled his name. Up came a link to badoo. My heart made a jump….. Here we are, I have doubts and feel uneasy about the whole thing. So this morning I texted him the usual good morning text, please be safe out there etc. I struggled with myself whether to bring it up or not about what I had found out, but then I decided to confront him. So I texted him jokingly that then Whatsapp must be messing with me, because it says he was last online last night around 9pm. He also said that I should know that if he had a chance to get online, he would have texted me as he always does. Also that he got to go and wished me a great day and that we would talk soon. I also said that I wanted to be there for him and support him, and that what he gets from me is honesty and loyalty, but that I require the same. I have to add that he struck me to be honest and good from the very beginning, and he never gave me reason to not trust him. Always texted me when he was out with friends, letting me know where he was and that he would call me once he got home etc. Whenever he said he would call or text, he did, and in situations when he was held up, he would always let me know. I really need your advice! I know this has become a long message, but I really hope you find the time to reply. Thank you so much in advance! Linda August 12, 2015, 5:03 am My story is I am over 45 and back into dating I was single for 3 years. I joined POF with some nice photos. I had 4 dates with 4 different men and 2 more wanted to date but were no shows. The last one he was a no show the first date which was an odd time sunday morning! Hes a single dad with two grown kids at home, they sepd at xmas. He apologized 5 days later online that is was not me and said I was so gracious etc. He said he did not show that day as he ex came to his home and found him on POF and freaked out. This was the reason. But he told me its long over their marriage and said she wont be allowed in his house or at least where his computer is anymore- I could hear anger in his voice. So then a few days goes by he asks if he can see me, so he comes over for coffee it was sunday evening. Things went well I felt a good connection, we made out etc. Saw him one more time a few days later, then he said hes getting a hip surgery and has to work a lot of OT plus his daughter is moving to another city for college with her things hes been moving her. I offered to help with anything esp. He said he wanted to see me this Monday which is tomorrow holiday. So 2 hrs later he messaged me. He said he enjoys being around me too. He said I not an option. He said he does not want to lead me on! He said maybe its best if we stop contact until after his surgery and hes well again which could be 3-4 weeks! Then he said he may not get to his computer much to message me!. But he has a phone, why would he say that? It that a way to twist my brain? So I then thanked him and said im going out for birthday drinks. I left him a voicemail 1 hr later just one , its now sunday, he never called me back!! The next morning I saw him in there at 630 am, did some things, came back at 730 am, he DELETED HIS ENTIRE PROFILE! So I went in and deleted mine as well! One guy got mad cause I wanted him to confirm IM hes still coming!! August 2, 2015, 11:07 am Just recently went through this on another site. We dated for two months, spent a lot of good times together, dinners out, movies, nights out with friends, and eventually sex was involved. He told me that I made him very happy etc. Then he started pulling away, less texting, calls stopped, excuses started. I had a feeling he was lying to me about the excuses its happened before. Seems likes bs to me. Well, I shut down my profile a week after meeting him. I just had a weird feeling to log in one day and see if he was online …AND HE WAS!!! He continues to be online at unusual times really late at night or early in the morning. If I make him happy, why look at others? Plus, he said he wanted space? February 24, 2015, 7:24 am This guy i met online and he said he needed space to get over an ex. Its been 6 weeks no contact. His profile was still on but he took down his pictures and remained inactive for a month but just yesterday went online and reattached his pictures. Anyway i think its A. Is he trying to test my reaction and call him out on it? Why do guys do this??? I thought he was a genuine nice guy. March 4, 2015, 1:59 pm Hey.. He told me he loves me and he said he meant it, and would never cheat on me, and I believed it. He constantly went on dating apps to talk to other girls and he confessed to me and told me he cheated on me. I felt hurt because I thought I knew him and I thought cheating would be the last thing he would to do me. I never thought he would do that to me because of all the words he had said to me about how much he loves me and so on. He said he is serious about me and called me wifey. He brought me to his parents but seem to be quite scared of letting his friends see me. My boyfriend is very self-centered, which he also admitted. Sometimes I feel like he only cares about himself, pays a lot of attention on himself rather than on me now. I even flew all the way just to get him to talk about this with me because I thought I had to talk about this with him. Since our last huge fight regarding him talking to other girls he said he had deleted the dating apps. But he would still talk to a few girls he met on okcupid on whatsapp. I asked him why, he said because this girl called Dion had recently been to korea and he just wanted to ask information about traveling to korea. So that obviously was an excuse. Although my trust to him is kind of broken but I still want to trust him again. We talked about this issue almost every night and I told him I feel hurt that he still talks to girls from dating app. Then I asked him if he wants to meet friends then why only talk to pretty slim girls but not guys? Why only pick pretty girls to talk to to be his new friend? Why does he stil want to meet other pretty girls? After another conflict again his mind changed a bit. I said nothing, because minimizing still means he still gets to talk to them. Although we are ok now but I just feel so helpless. My friends kept telling me to dump him. But what about me? Why are men like that? November 11, 2014, 1:52 pm Hello, I read ur full story. I think you are the opposite of me although we share sth in common, I am also an observant girl when I am dating online, which is what I am doing now. However, I would do the opposite if I found out the guy I am with is doing all these dating app things behind me. You have made him feel like you will never leave, and he can always get you back as long as he stops it for a while. What I mean is, dress up and make up urself everyday, keep yourself in the best condition, and go out to meet friends and new guys, and let him see these changes! I donno if you have thought about this? If you want to make him become obsess with you, you should just go back to the one you were before, the one who attracted this guy to fall in love with you. Since that moment I knew I had to break contact with him since we were not on the same page. I will have to trust his decision, and if I ever feel like my mistrust of him is too big to continue, I will let him know and I will break it off, just like I had intended the first time. This dating scene nowadays is tough , it is tempting not only to look around for other people because dating websites are just a click away, but snooping is easier as well, and very tempting. I wish you all luck out there, be smart. May 31, 2014, 1:49 pm I wish I could find an article more recent in regards to this topic. I myself have been dating a guy for a little over a month. Well, curiosity killed the cat, so I created a fake profile and though his was hidden, there are ways to search and find it regardless. I realized he accessed his account and kept mum. I suppose my issue is that his profile IS hidden therefore does not show up in any searches, so why is he accessing his account? If HE emails someone, they then have access to his profile and it can go from there. SO, why would he go and do something that would make me doubt him. Let alone make me feel like he is keeping me around until he finds something better. The guy HAS given her a reason to distrust him. He offered exclusivity, yet actively participates in an online dating community. When a person last logged in is public information. How transparent is that. July 10, 2013, 11:15 am I agree with you Moops. I had been dating this guy I met online for 4 months. I told him I was taking down my match account. He said he would also. Not only did he not do that, he joined pof and meet me! I decided to still give him the benefit of the doubt. Yes he really said that! I said he was the one who was searching. Girls, stop the madness! I was honest with myself and realized I was only with him because I was lonely, and it is so hard to meet someone nice, but I was doing myself a disservice. Still trying to find the one… July 22, 2013, 10:03 am totally agree with Moops!! This very thing happened to me. Wasted an entire year on this man. Gave him the benefit of the doubt in the name of trust and it was a bad decision. Now I not only wasted a year but have spent six months trying to recover emotionally and am going back into the dating scene with less trust. If he is logging in…… he is looking or communicating and the bottom line is… you will never be able to trust him completely because this will always be in the back of your mind. June 19, 2014, 11:04 pm I met someone in my home area on an online dating site. We have gone out 3 times in two weeks, and have several dates already arranged for the coming week. We are both divorced and he has a child almost every weekend, so we typically do not see each other from Friday to Monday night. I took my profile off the site because I believe it leads to hurt feelings and in my little mind, why make him not trust me. What I did was set up a bogus account and I can see he is on the site each day, even after we have gone out. He is on and off the site daily. There are times I have been on the phone with him or in the midst of sending a text back and forth when he is on the site. I really want to find out why men do this? If they meet someone and apparently things are going well, so what is up with men who need to see or chat with other women? It was after telling him this that he asked me if I can go out with him on several days for the coming week. So what is up with men you meet online and how they still log in and show chat venue open. Thanks, Sammy February 9, 2013, 10:45 pm I have been going through a similar situation and would really appreciate the feedback on here. Im 24 yrs old and im very attractive and have never been in a real relationship and crave that part of my life with someone special. I have been on the online dating scene for 3 yrs and have been on sooooooo many dates and havent found anyone who I am remotely interested in until 3 and a half months ago. When it comes to me and dating I think I have the worst luck and i cant even get past the 3rd date with someone so I am always walking on pins and needles each time. He first told me that he wasnt looking for anything super super serious and i said well lets take it slow and see where it leads to. He was always treating me like i was his gf and i met one of his close friends and he took me and my sis and his friend out for dinner. I never had any guy treat me like that. This guy always mentions me to his neighbors and friends but we dont have a label on it. He also talks about personal stuff with him and his whole family and i really thought we were connecting. I also attempted to lose my virginity to him. I never told him i was a virgin the whole time and then it just came out and he was at first mad but then he understood where i was coming from and i kept asking him if he was ok with me not being experienced and he said he was. But always in the back of my mind it has been bothering me that i am inexperienced because he has been around the block and would leave me for someone who is great in the bedroom. I am alsooo very very shy around him because i like him sooo much and i feel sooo out of place even when doing stuff in the bedroom. I just cant seem to snap out of being scared and shy when im with him. Recently i just went on match and saw he was active within 24 hrs and im like wtfff. I feel sooo played but i dont wanna jump to conclusions and he hasnt contacted me in 2 days and im feeling like he wants to find someone who is way more experienced than i am. But the thing is we really connected and I dont think anyone can come close. Its sooo strange cause we started hanging out together 4-5 times a week recently and he just cant stop staring at me at every moment wen im with him. Im sooo scared to lose this guy and dont know what to think right now. All my friends that I ask think he is playing me and i dont know if i should even listen to anyone because everyone can have their different reasons. Im really falling for this guy and I never ever pressure him on anything cause i know men dont like to be pressured so i kind of take each day as it comes. Eric Charles if you can give me ur intake on this i would appreciate it. January 22, 2013, 7:05 pm Yes, suspicion can destroy a relationship if it is unfounded. But sometimes suspicion is justified. Hana, this guy is looking around while enjoying you and wonderful qualities. Match and eHarmony screen pretty well, and if a guy has an active profile on a site like one of those, it usually and I would say 99. A girlfriend or boyfriend can usually tell it the profile is real in any number of ways — if the profile has exact details about height and weight, the writing style that was used, etc….. This girl is just going to get hurt. She should leave the guy ASAP. October 18, 2012, 11:46 am you could be experiencing something similar to what ive experienced before. October 17, 2012, 3:09 pm The majority of these guys that get on these dating sites especially Match never get off. Many of them are not serious and they are addicted to Match and other dating sites. I realized after 4 months of being on Match that this was not the venue to use to meet someone if you are interested in a serious long-term relationship. At some point they are going to get back on. Women would be better off meeting a guy in a traditional setting through work, a friend, museum, whatever. October 12, 2012, 4:01 pm N-G. Syndrome … Newness- Grass is Greener Syndrome. An addiction to online dating, even if you have a significant other.. March 25, 2014, 3:18 am Sorry, but he HAS given this girl a reason to distrust him. This same thing happened to me — met a guy on eHarmony. Within a month we felt pretty serious about each other and I asked him if we could agree to be exclusive, including unsubscribing to any dating sites. But 4 months later, I found out he was still on eHarmony but told me he was just on there for fun, changing some information but not conversing with anyone. Two months later he was on Match. Two years later I found out he was still filling out profiles. By then, I was a mess. He had lied for two years and that is a very long time to be with someone. Please move on, for the good of your mind and heart. July 27, 2012, 11:21 pm This article is spot on. It was never because of her, it was simply because the suspicion kept eating away at me until I brought it up. Rather than saying anything, I simply ignore it. When dating online it is imperative you remain open and honest. I met a handsome guy on pof. We BOTH made a conscious decision to delete our profiles and be exclusive. I kept feeling this uneasiness about him. That is a very unsettling way to feel. I WILL NOT encourage anyone to remain in any relationship if their conscious is uneasy about their mate. April 5, 2013, 2:58 am My boyfriend and I have been going out for more than a year and we met on meet me. He asked me out and we were together ever since. I deleted my account and I asked him to delete him, which he said he did. However, I was feeling something was going on that I did not know about and so I checked his email which i should not have done and I saw some messages that were from meet me. However, it was not from his real account. He had created a fake one. It still has all of his pictures. I logged on to it because he gave me his passwords to things and I figured it was the same one. He only talks to girls on there; however, there is nothing like they are meeting up or hooking up at all. He will say hey and talk for about five minutes and then the convo is done. I stopped checking his personal accounts and email after we got in a big fight about whether he was cheating on me or not. I never felt right about checking it anyway. I thought it was great because he must have stopped after our convo. However, i checked again today if he had been on, and it said he had three days ago. I am not one to stay in relationships where i am not the main focus, but over a year? That is so many invest feelings. I have no idea what to do. I av friends who always text me i do reply but not with love, i want to ask wat will i do to love someone, and if you can give me the match. September 22, 2011, 8:53 am eric, i just wanted to say thank you so much for this site! September 30, 2012, 12:42 pm Eric, I feel like your post sends out a very sad message to women. You get butterflies and your heart pounds when you see me. You and I have only been dating a short time but the potential is there. We see each other 2-3 times per week. You ask for exclusivity and I give this to you. A week later you log onto to Match. So please enlighten me, what does that story look like? We live in different cities but have seen each other almost every weekend except two. This friend since added me on facebook and so has his housemate. He was also kissing me in front of them too. We were on his laptop and I was on youtube. He went downstairs and I was just looking at songs. I managed to close the tab I was on by mistake and when I opened what I thought was the right one I found it was his dating website profile. However I knew of the website and I was able to see his profile when I got home. He still checks his profile each day but not multiple times per day. Any advice welcome thanks! We live in different cities but have seen each other almost every weekend except two. He was also kissing me in front of them too. June 20, 2011, 10:36 am I understand what this girl is going through. Also, it can all backfire on you. I also suggest getting yourself tested. May 24, 2011, 4:29 pm i have a very similar situation, except mine doesnt check it often.. The fact of the matter is this kind of thing is a real life concern, not just for fear of being played but for your health and safety. Since we agreed to be exclusive, how do you feel about this? If you leave the question open ended he has room to answer whichever way while knowing that you were simply considering what do with yours. If anything, it will clarify what this term means for each of you.. October 29, 2010, 2:30 am I am sorry to be negative here, but I dated a guy for three months that I met online…I noticed that his profile was still active and often he was checking it daily…I wanted to trust him so I did…I confronted him about it, but said that I trusted him and wanted him to take his profile down because he wanted to, not because I asked him to. I found out he was dating multiple people yes, and sleeping with all of us , all from the online dating site. He was a world class liar. Looking back, I think if someone is active on an online dating site, while he is dating you, he is probably a player. I have a few bad experiences in the beginning of 2012. The comment before was about a guy I met in the latter part of 2012. I met this other guy while on blackpeoplemeet. Yet, there were many red flags! Meaning he would wait for my response to see what card he would pull out of his hat next….. After I invited him to my home and he seen how nice it was, the horns started to emerge from his head. Needless to say, I dropped him like a bad habit. The dating game has changed tremendously over the years and many have ulterior motives and love not being one of them! April 5, 2013, 3:24 am Very good point. Again, yes, sometimes people do get taken advantage of or hurt. But it is much worse to go through life with your guard up all the time, distrusting everyone, self-provective and bracing yourself. Personally, I have learned that it is better to assume people are good and do good things and not to be concerned until someone has actually done something bad. March 26, 2010, 11:50 am.
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